hello you, hello we, hello me

hause of mirrors in venus

I always attributed this song as her speaking to herself in some form ….

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I write this sitting criss cross on my freshly washed sheets. little and bug are fast asleep. I lit an incense and cleaned the kitchen. it’s my favorite thing to do before bed. let’s talk about the day for a second. we woke up on our day off and instantly got the kids ready for school. listen, you know this week was HELL trying to figure out what we were going to do. but, that’s a story for another time. up until today, I had no clue what I was going to do. gathered them and trekked 20 minutes by foot. I was sure this would be ok. never mind the Texas heat. this morning there was a cool breeze, as if it were fall. we vastly remembered, it is NOT fall. and even still, I had no clue what I was going to do. boo!! tomatoes, tomatoes!!! I asked what the resources were and ding! the light bulb went off. kissed little on the cheek and said quick mini affirmations for him and sent him on his way. next up, my bug. my ladybug to be exact. my oldest. my ride or die. our ride or die. we headed back home. another 20 minutes back. she was rosy, posy. BK is on the way. we stop for breakfast because she took that adventure like a champ. we sit, talk, laugh. she’s my trooper but I never rely on that. I hold her inner child near, dear and delicately. all while allowing her to be a teenager. intelligent, emotionally intelligent, funny, fierce and beautiful. she’s a writer too. talented, this one. I digress. I devise a plan to make her transition much easier. and when it pans out in our favor; score! score. in a matter of a couple of hours I managed to find solutions to our biggest dilemma.

we had therapy today. we do every week. it’s our weekly check-in. it’s our Thursday ritual. I started off by wanting to state that I was eternally grateful to the universe. “everything is always working out for me” and it is. all week I had so many thoughts swarming through my head. am I a good enough mother? did he really love me or was his narcissism showing? I need to figure out what i’m going to do to ensure they are safe? did I really not take accountability for that and if so, how can I now? I need help - can’t ask their dad. am I really alone? am I really, alone? i’m really.. alone. so sitting down and going through these thoughts one by one with my trusted, licensed in the physical form, guidance and her validating me but also bringing some truth my way, felt like a cherry on top of a sundae. in the midst of this, I took a hammer to the piggy bank and broke it open. ding! lightbulb moment. I am divinely guided and protected. yes, i’m a spiritual woman. I do breath work and I sit at my altar and talk to the other side. I realize, every obstacle we have encountered, we have always persevered. we’d sit and cry because no one in the physical world had us the way we would have them. no matter, we always came out on the other side. it took us a long time to understand what that meant. it takes a village. it takes a village. our village is me. us. you. the piggy bank shatters everywhere, coins fall out. WE realize, we need to be comfortable being the villain in someone else’s story. their view of me isn’t mine to carry anymore. we can only take what’s ours. right our wrong’s and move forward. we can’t force anyone to grow but ourselves. the saying “the energy we pour into others, we should be pouring into ourselves” is so cliche. I don’t like cliche’s. but this is true. ding! you did your best, babe. we blocked [redacted]. i’m not taking it personal anymore. as far as wondering if i’m a good mother; well you’re a wonderful mother little one. little and bug love you like you cannot believe. you can rest. we didn’t end up like the incubator. you’re safe. they’re safe. we’re safe. where there are obstacles, know it will always work itself out. not by delusion. but we find a way to physically find a resolution. you always have, I always will. and know, I got you. I got me. I got us. and I got them. it took me a long time to understand that and I am sorry little one. the message is received. im proud of you. i’m proud of me. i’m proud of us. thank you for keeping us safe.