8.5.24
you make my heart flutter. all while breaking my heart. please don’t let me go.
please let me go.
please. just. love. ME.
I wish it was a month ago. I wish you had never texted me. I wish you wouldn’t have come back. moreover, I wish I would have never let you. starting all over again, im so sick of being picked apart by you. I love you but it is draining me in more ways than I can count. I want to be held accountable, you want to stone me. I want to grow and learn and you want to punish me for all the ways you feel i’ve intentionally hurt you. you’re not interested in growing together. you’re not interested in mending us. I just want to heal. I just want to stop being dissected for my flaws. im beautiful internally and I dont need your validation.
scribbles from OUR journal
I wish I could be everything you ever wanted. it wasn’t all bad but I just can’t chop off my fingers and toes and nose anymore, just to appease you. you are suppose to be my partner, not my therapist or my mother. I wanted you to grow and I wanted better for you as well but I never, ever wrote all of your trauma down in my pretty pink notebook and pulled it out of my purse mid conversation. I genuinely love the way the moon would reflect off of your chocolate, almost midnight eyes. I genuinely love that you would take space to collect yourself. and even though you would become so vile, I recognized that’s the only way little you felt safe. I accepted you, all of you. to genuinely love, is to love even all of the darkest parts of someone. I became friends with yours, you became sworn enemies with mine. you hurt me. I think I need to provide myself the safe space to feel that, to heal that.
coming out of fight or flight or, never leaving it?
You bare your soul. I admire your courage. You are my hero. Bravo.